So as most of you probably know I am going through a pretty shitty break up. I guess I'm not exactly 'going through' it though, as it's all done with now, we are over. 4 weeks ago I was so excited to be coming home to my new life as a graduate, and getting to spend lots of much needed time with the person I love. I had missed him so much and I couldn't wait to get back to normal after 4 months abroad away from him. But I never exactly let him know how missed he was. All those weeks I was busy busy living my exciting new life in Disney World. Home was pretty much at the back of my mind. Between planning my days off and working 9 hour days, I didn't have much time to sit down and think about things. And due to the 5 hour time difference, and both of us working difficult hours, I also didn't have much time to speak to him before I had to rush off and do something else. On the times we did speak online, I was usually very hurried and my mind was often elsewhere. Although when I was working, my mind was always wondering about him. But I didn't realise at the time that these little conversations were actually showing big cracks in us, but I literally had no idea how big. I thought people sulk. People get in a mood and say bad things that they don't really mean. I thought it didn't matter if I said 'I dont care' or 'I'm busy'. So after a lot of pushing him away, he obviously got fed up of it. Therefore we agreed to sort things out once I was home, it was only a few weeks away. Anyway I came home and that didn't exactly happen as he had already made his mind up and acted upon it.
I had then lost someone who I wanted everything with in a flash. I still didn't really believe what was happening. I had made plans and built myself up to come back and fix everything that I had broken. It was hard, and still is hard. The hardest part is removing all those plans that we had made for the future. Its horrible. I dont know why someone would make plans and promises and not stick to them, but ho hum. So now after I've deleted all those plans from my head, what next? Oh yeah, I need to stop thinking about him. Hmmm this one seems even harder. You can't stop your brain from thinking things. And you can't stop your heart from craving someone. Because that person once made you very happy, and now all of a sudden there is a space and nothing to fill it.
But you should always think forward, even if your future is now looking nothing like you had planned. I have had a fair few girls messaging me telling me that they are going through very similar things. Some have been heartbroken for months. I'm so hoping that won't be me! It's only been 3 weeks so far, but hopefully I'm getting over it slowly :) But if you are broken up for good, there is nothing you can do. You can love him and try and show him as much as you like. If he is not interested then you can never be his again. It is sad, but my doctor told me that men hold the function where they can just drop everything and run away from it all and never look back. Whereas women will hold onto feelings and emotions and think about them over and over. So he really does find it that easy to shit all over you and not feel any guilt or sorrow for it. That is why you have to move on from this person. They are of course no good! I still really miss him, more than anything I have ever had and lost. Because he made me happy and I used to wake up in the morning and talk to him which made me smile. And then I would spend all day chatting with him until I went to bed. I really looked forward to seeing him and just getting to spend some time with him, just being 'there' together meant everything to me. I thought we were meant to be together and that we were in love with eachother. I though that he thought the world of me, and that he would never hurt me. It sucks that I am not worth his promises :( But you have to move on from people who are out to hurt you.
You will get stronger with every heartbeat. You will find your happily ever after elsewhere. But you need to set him free and let it all go. Let go of all of the anger and sadness and jealousy. Otherwise you will never be able to move on. You will find much better things ahead, and they will be far better than anything in your past. This is life, it is unfair, but you have to deal with it. You have to accept what happens, and get on with the rest of your life and not look back. If you dont let go of your past, you will never be able to let anyone else into your future. Don't blame yourself, things happen and people make mistakes. But it takes two people to make and break a relationship. So dont keep saying sorry if he isn't aswell. But don't regret anything that once made you happy and made you smile. One day you will realise your lucky escape. Memories are hard to forget, but you will make new ones. Dont forget the past completely, because you will need to learn from your mistakes. And you need to realise your worth. You are worth more than being treated badly. No one deserves to be cheated on and lied to, no matter what. You will look back one day and wonder what all the fuss was about. Why would you want to be with someone who did that? Because you 'loved him'. He obviously didn't love you, so he is not worth your pain or tears. You will look back and think 'Thank God' we broke up. And someone else who wants you will think the same thing. Everyone is heartbroken at some point, but be strong, and dont let anyone do it to you again. But dont break anyone elses heart either, you know how horrible it feels. One day you will find someone who loves you and everything about you, and wouldn't dream of hurting you. So keep searching for that person :)
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